Wednesday, 05 November 2008

• Why I left the Mennonite Church, Part 3a.

  So...part 3 was probably the hardest of the three to write. And to tell you the truth, I almost didn't write it, but this whole thing won't be complete without some kind of conclusion. And this is less about me and why I left, and more regarding those who are still Mennonite.

  It also got so long that I decided to split it into two parts just to make it easier to read. Hence the 3a.

  Like I said earlier, these last posts are going to be directed at young Mennos who are dissatisfied and thinking about leaving, and older Mennos who have trouble knowing how to deal with those young people.

  I guess I want to start by talking specifically to those who are older...I get the feeling that there's usually a disconnect between the younger and older people in a church, to the detriment of both. And I'd like to share a few things to those who are older from the perspective of a younger person.

  Young people (YP) often feel, sometimes rightfully so, that older people (OP) know nothing about their lives and don't really care about their lives unless they (the YP) are doing something that the OP don't like. That the OP don't really talk to them unless it's to give them a lecture. And it ultimately leaves YP feeling like things will be a lot easier if they exclude the older people from their lives as much as possible. Which is sad, and is not what the church was meant to be.

  That is not to say that all older people are like this...most of the OP where I grew up were really cool, and I got along well with them. But there's always those who are like that, and even the cool OP can feel a little bit lost sometimes in dealing with the young.

  So if you're an older Mennonite looking for tips on dealing the young, you've come to the right place. I'm not saying these are perfect, comprehensive, or flawless. They're just some of my observations from my 21 years as a Menno.

  a.) One of the things that young people often hunger for is a mentor, someone who has been there before, has faced the same struggles already, knows what it's like, can lend a listening ear and give sound advice.

  Also, the Apostle Paul gave explicit instructions in his letters that the older people in the church should teach the younger...so if you're an older person in your church, teaching or mentoring is kind of part of your job description. It's not anything complicated, just lend a listening ear to what they are saying and be willing to open up about your own struggles you faced at that age. Try to find out what's going on in their lives. What do they want to do for a career, is there someone that they have their eye one, what are their plans for the next year. You'd be surprised how far things like that can go for a YP.

  Warning: remember what I said about the disconnect between old and young? It may take a little while to overcome that, especially if you have a bad reputation among the YP to begin with. And even if you don't, it often takes YP some time to really open up. So hang in there.

  b.) Pick your battles. Maybe they are listening to music you don't like or wearing shorts when they play basketball. The best thing to do? Either tell them you're concerned and why, and leave it at that, or just leave it alone to begin with. Do not, and I repeat, DO NOT try to make them follow the rules. Telling a YP that you're concerned about something is fine, especially if it's a sin issue or something that's potentially destructive. But confronting YP on issues of rules and lecturing them on how they need to conform does nothing except to alienate them, and it reinforces the generational separation I mentioned earlier.

  I don't mean to sound angry or anything. It's just that confrontation (and especially when it's nitpicking) over rules is the one of the single most boneheaded things an older person can do in relation to YP, and I was around long enough to see it happen a few times.

  c.) Most YP hunger for change, and for a general loosening up. Big surprise, I know. It's the way the world works...YP want change, OP like things the way they are. It's why Obama won and McCain lost. That being said...

  There is no worse way to alienate your young people than to give them the feeling that even the smallest change is impossible, and that your generation is deliberately keeping change from happening.
  

  A young Mennonite could come to all the same conclusions I did and yet decide to stay, if he or she thinks that change could happen within a reasonable time frame. If that YP is waffling between staying or leaving, the attitudes that older people appear to have regarding change could easily be the deciding factor.

  Note that the changes may not have to be huge. Just being willing to loosen up on rules that have outlived their usefulness will go a long way in the minds of YP.

  One last thing: don't automatically assume you're somehow at fault if someone leaves. For me, leaving was a combination of factors including college and future career aspirations, a lack of eligible Mennonite girls around here, in addition to the factors I've related in the previous posts...it ultimately had little to do with the people in the church. I think a lot of younger ex-Mennos would say the same thing.

  Coming up...my final post in this series, and my advice to young Mennonites who are dissatisfied with their church, and/or are thinking about leaving.

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