I keep a repository of possible xanga posts on my computer, and work on them when I have time...normally I have about 5 in there at any given time. Here's one that's been in there for probably 6 months, and finally got to the point where I sort of finished it.
What I look for in a girl...a rough list.
1. I want a girl who's a Christian...I'm more a nondenominational type of person, and I guess I want a girl who is too. I don't care if she comes from a denominational background, as long she's willing to follow me in that.
2. Has thought through what she believes. This is a biggie. I've met far to many Christian girls who parrot a bunch of sound bites on politics, gay marriage, prayer in schools, evolution, and whatever without thinking them through, and it drives me nuts. I don't want a girl like that. I don't want a girl who just “toes the party line” on everything, be it the Baptist party line, the Republican (or Democrat) party line, or the you-name-it party line. Then again, if she's like that I might be the perfect guy to help stretch her mind out a little bit.
3. Takes care of herself. Not hugely overweight. This one is touchy, and sounds shallow. But if a girl is hugely overweight, that to me is very unattractive. If I'm not the slightest bit physically attracted to her, I probably shouldn't marry her...which in turn means I don't have any real reason to go dating her. Kind of sad, but true. That said, it's not like she has to look like Jessica Alba. If she takes care of herself and is halfway decent-looking, then great. We're cool on that one. And for the record, I would say that at least 75-80 % of girls my age fall into the “decent-looking or better” category.
4. Knows how to handle money. Pretty much explains itself. I want a girl who isn't in a huge amount of debt (some student loans I can stomach, but please no credit card debt), and knows how to use a budget and not spend if need be.
5. Wants children and wants to be a stay-at-home mom when they come along. Again, this one pretty much explains itself.
6. Reasonably smart and has a fair amount of common sense. A college student, preferably. If she's a complete ditz...no way. A lower IQ I think I can handle, but please not someone who's stupid.
7. Can put up with me and my eccentricities. And if you know me well, you know that there are plenty. A girl who thinks that my eccentricities are funny and/or cute is a keeper. A girl who finds them really annoying...well, maybe not.
8. Saving herself sexually for marriage. If she’s a virgin, awesome, that’s icing on the cake. If she’s saving sex for marriage now but has mistakes in her past, I’m not one to hold that against her. Virgin or no, I think we all have regrets of some kind, be they sexual or otherwise.
9. Hasn't had a huge number of previous boyfriends. If she's dated other guys, no biggie. Technically I have an ex-GF too. But if she's been going from boyfriend to boyfriend to boyfriend ever since she was a teenager, that's a great big huge red flag.
10. Lives within 100 miles of me. I don't do long-distance relationships, period.
**edit** One more I just thought of. For me to pursue any sort of relationship I think there needs to be some feelings there, whether I have feelings for her, vice versa, or both. If I like a girl I'll ask her out, and if she doesn't have feelings for me I would hope she'd give a chance anyway. If I were to find out that a girl liked me and these other 10 things checked out, I would feel the same way, where I should at least give her a chance even if I don't have feelings for her...
So those are the important ones. Now, for the icing on the cake…if she can cook, if she has a cool family and good relationships with all of them, if she’s an ex-Menno like me, if she’s a country girl, all of those are cool little extras to have in a girl, in my book.
This is almost everything I've been able to think of. Thoughts? Are there any that could be added? Any that are on here that shouldn't be?
Comments (18)
RYC: You should be flattered!
You have some very thought provoking posts. Now, if I could only help you find that "girl". (I keep trying to help my sons but they don't seem to want my help.) ~karen
I don't think it's very fair to expect her to be a college student/grad and then expect her to be a stay-at-home mom when you have kids. IMHO, it's not cool to expect her to not use her degree. my mother is a college grad and when we were young she stayed at home part time and worked part time and i think that worked out great! that way she could still use her degree and contribute to the household income.
Um, is #10 a little selfish?! I'd be the first to tell you what a pain in the keister it is, but you might not want to put such a restriction on yourself.
@bethkrabill - hmmm. Sometimes people are in school because they have a compulsion to keep learning things, and find that college is currently the best way to do that. Maybe the girl just wants a good education. I can see your point, but if "the girl" doesn't want to not work when she has kids, I guess she doesn't have to marry Matt. :) @tlahq - ugh. Long distance relationships bite. I'm not sure it's selfish not to try to make something work that you're fairly certain isn't going to. If he feels that he can't do a long distance, then maybe he shouldn't try.
On the other hand, Matt, long distance relationships, though difficult, aren't always a bad idea. :) I like your list - it's reasonable.
Interesting. I was just thinking about this kind of stuff last night at work. I think my list would have less details. I definitely could make a list of things I'm looking for, but really it comes down to chemistry. I mean maybe she won't be exactly what I think I'm looking for, ya know?
i have heard almost the exact same stuff from guys at my church, less detailed of course, but basically the same, and i dont really agree on the stay-home mom thing, why should she go to college if she's not gonna use her degree?
I like your list Matt. Excellent job! Apparently the #5/ #6 combo is going to be tough with people in your age group. I think that both are important though. You need a wife that is intellectually similar to yourself, and probably college educated. You are also wise to want someone who puts her chidren above her own goals at least for a time. As a female with a BA & MA, I don't see the problem with being a college-degreed stay-at-home-mom. Of course I AM older than your mom so that might have something to do with it!
Stick to your guns about the stay-at-home-mom issue. Having "a cool family and good relationships with all of them" is more than just "cool little extras". It is a major! Keep in mind that even though you say vows to only her, you marry an entire family. So do pay attention to the character and life style of her parents and siblings as well. Look ahead 50 years. On second thought, don't! Marriage is indeed a step of faith. Please invite me to your wedding as I would love to meet her. Louise
Hmmm, I see there are some varying opinions about the stay-at-home-mom with a degree.....I, for one, agree with brilliantvapor. Some of us just have this unquenchable desire to keep learning even if we might not be able to use it if and when we ever become moms. But I definitely agree with the stay at home thinking! I have seen, and know from experience what it feels like when your mom's not there for you like you'd like (and need) and it's not cool:/ And I could go on and on but I will keep my thoughts to myself for now. Great post though!
My few years of college, including those biology classes I took for fun, came in very handy as a stay-at-home mom of a kid who could ask 118 "why" questions in one day. Looking at college as only preparation for a specific career, which is then wasted as a SAHM, is IMHO a very narrow view of education/learning.
I believe in sequencing rather than trying to do everything at once and doing none of it well.
I waited until you were 13 before I pursued writing for publication, and even then I limited it and stayed home to do it. And I don't think you or I have any regrets, about that specific area at least. Sigh/chuckle.
Your mother, who nevertheless doesn't agree with #10.
btw, i agree on #10... i know alot of people really are able to make it work, but i do not see HOW.
I agree with Tom's comment on number 10. And by the way, have you stopped to think that the girl you fall in love with just might have some expectations of YOU? It is more important to worry about ourselves and what kind of people WE are! I did have some mental requirements for a girlfriend before I met Carol. When I was first learning to know her, I was really worried that she didn't fill out these requirements, but as I got to know her and her heart, I found out that she really WAS what I was looking for, but it came in a different way than I expected. Don't let your high expectations get in the way of finding a really great gal. As qwertle says, you will never find a perfect one, and just remember, you probably have a lot of faults she will see too!
Oh and again on the number 10. I didn't like long distance dating either. It is extremely tough. that is why I moved down from Bradford to her area. If you want a wife or even a girlfriend, sometimes you have to make a few sacrifices!
Lists can be detrimental in some ways, I think. What if she matches 9 out of 10? 7 out of 10? Where do you draw the line? I think the more important thing to make lists about is yourself. Would a girl who meets all those qualifications want someone like you? Obviously, I don't know you, but that's something I've had to think about. There's no such thing as the "perfect guy/girl," so what it comes down to is what is negotiable and what is non-negotiable.
I made two lists before I started dating, the definite--such as, he has to be a man who loves Jesus with all his heart. The second list was of things that I wanted, but weren't really important. I am happy to say that Justin met all my definites, and a lot of my wants. I am also happy to say that I did not make my wants definite. Otherwise, I would have missed out on a totally awesome man and relationship.
I would have been with you about 4 years ago on number 10...., but so glad I decided to make make that a non definite. I totally agree with your 5 and 6 and think they are perfectly reasonable expectations. Coming from a home where my mom had to work part time, in my opinion...it's not cool.
A good education is no waste to a stay at home mom. As a mom you have a numerous occupations packed into one title. This world's opinion of waste is not necessarily God's. Anyway, I didn't mean to go on and on about this...Just want to say in my opinion lists are good things. You ought to know what you want and go for it, just don't be surprised if God brings you something more or better then you ever dreamed, albeit a little outside your box.
I agree with all the people that said you should probably concentrate on a list for yourself more than worrying about whether or not your future girlfriend is going to be perfect. She won't be. She will be a human. I think it's pretty key to remember that.
Also, #10 is a little closed-minded. And I can say this, because at one time I said I would NOT under any cirucumstances get invovled in a long distance relationship again. I was not about to go there. Now I am so glad I gave it one more try, and I would do it all over again if I had to. It changed my life.
Anyway, good luck in the search. With wanting a non-denominational, ex-menno, good-looking, college educated, stay-at home virgin who hasn't had many previous boyfriends, you're gonna need all the luck you can get.
Being a SAHM and college educated have very little to do with one another. I consider choosing to be a SAHM a moral decision, which shouldn't be swayed by the amount of education one has.